Where did I end? I was now a high school graduate with a newborn child. I was jobless and had no college lined up to attend. At this point the discussion of me staying home with my son for his first few years became an ongoing thing with my sons father and I. He was working and caring for us and I didn’t want my mother to raise my child. Once we came to the decision that I would stay home my job became taking care of and raising him. We decided to do this for the first three years of my sons life. After this time I would go to school and pursue an education in Education.
My life became me living part time at my mothers home and part time at my sons father home. For some reason I could not commit to leaving my mothers home to live with my sons father. For 3.5 years I was home with my son. I saw all the little milestones; him walking before the age of one, him wetting up everything when he was being potty trained at one year old. Him speaking his first words. I was able to enjoy all of these things.
As great as those experiences were and as good of a mother I tried to be I often received the worse stares and looks when I went out with my son, even at the park. I saw judgment and disapproval on their faces. It was painful and hurtful. I know these people didn’t know me but their looks were so familiar. They appeared on the faces of people I knew, friend and family. The emotional burden I felt was always hidden, I never allowed anyone not even my closest friends and family see how hurt and emotionally drained I was. I worked my hardest to make sure I was the best mother I could be to my son and that was above anything else. I worked hard to prove everyone wrong.
At the age of one my sons father and I separated. It was a difficult decision. I felt guilty because I could not hold the relationship together. I felt fear because I was unsure of what was going to happen next. at the point I fully moved back in with my mother and remained a stay at home mom while his father too care of us, even with us not being together. At first it was hard, but we attempted to keep things as regular and as normal as possible.
From the age of 3.5-5 it seemed like life was in fastfoward… so many changes occurred